you know, i think i'm homesick. that's what this is all about.

okay, okay, i know, that's too easy. it's cold in buffalo, hell, it's not even my home. there isn't even a female-owned sex-shop as there is here (one of seven in the country?) i just miss....the fridge. lounging around with good wine and my mom's cooking. the parents always tell my i'm spoiled, complain if i eat their food or take a long shower, but i manage to seduce their cats and get them to buy me good coffee and groceries. i feel so at loose ends. i can't relate any more.

when i go there, at the end of the month, for the first time in six months, i will be going to a wedding, and the mother of the bride is trying to set me up with a guy. i just want to go home and sleep. sleep. sleep. my sleep here is endless and restless. i could sleep forever, but i'm having such busy naked toon dreams. anxious dreams, looking for a place to rest, as if i am in an ancient campground, a bazaar where people are selling colorful textiles and i have no money and don't know where i am supposed to go, looking searching hunting for the RIGHT thing, whatever that is, and stumbling into dens with furs and smoke and sleep-lofts, but those aren't mine, I can't rest there. I am usually leading a little girl, or carrying her, or looking for her among the skirts of the women selling their wares. i must protect her.

there are birds at the feeder, cardinals and sparrows, my cat wants to go outside, but when i open the door he flinches at the cold. i put up curtains, finally. don't want the trailer trash knowing there's a sometime-scantily-clad dyke in their midst. i have one day left. i feel as though i've failed. i know i can't give up, but why the hell am i here? i don't belong here. i don't even think i was supposed to come here. i did something naughty yesterday, looked at my files. i'm not even supposed to tell you that, i promised myself, but fuck, man, i just feel wrong. what if people are lying to me, what if i am just going to fuck up some more, it's totally possible, things are bad, but there is always worse.

i know, i won't imagine it.